Ozzy got it right

The closing on the new apartment has been postponed...booo:(
But, nonetheless, I have been floating in a state of euphoria...
Finally...coming home.
I am one of those people who really gets into the lyrics of songs. And lately, I found myself humming Ozzy Osbourne's "I'm coming home".
More than that; it was more like you have a song stuck in your head, after hearing it...but I have not heard THIS song since one summer many years ago when I played it all the time. So, I decided to look it up...oh WOW...
Substitute NYC wherever it says Mama, and yep, that how it feels:

Times have changed and times are strange
Here I come but I aint the same
Mama, Im coming home

Times gone by seem to be
You could have been a better friend to me
Mama, Im coming home

Took me in and you drove me out
Yeah, you had me hypnotized
Lost and found and turned around
By the fire in your eyes

You made me cry, told me lies
But, I cant stand to say goodbye
Mama Im coming home

I could be right, I could be wrong
Hurts so bad, its been so long
Mama, Im coming home

Selfish love yeah, were both alone
The ride before a fall
But Im gonna take this heart of stone
I just got to have it all

Ive seen your face a hundred times
Every day weve been apart
I dont care about the sunshine, yeah
Cause mama, mama Im coming home




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This it it...

This is it...my friends...
It's been awhile and I have been remiss... I have gone through a trial period to put it mildly.
I have come to see how much of my identity has been tied to my work.
I have come to see how much I have cheated myself...
I have come to know who my one true love is...
It started in February with the loss of a job and a wallet.
The wallet was finally retrieved with a few hundred bucks.
The job...well, I am working for myself again...
And, thanks to NOT myself, I HAVE ESCAPED from JERSEY!!!
This is my last shameful drunk ride on the bus... From now on, I am going to be classy, taking a discrete ride in a taxi like a normal person.
I will be shortly posting a link to a new blog- about every-fucking-day gratitude I will be feeling about getting a second chance to live in the best place in the world...coming soon. Goodnite, darlings!

.


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Location:Port authority

OMG FML!!!!

Sorry for the long absence....my life has been so utterly FML that I could barely function, much less write here.
So, here is where we are today...
Shortly after my last post, I was officially laid off, (FML #1) along with 55 of my friends from work. After enduring hours of promising interviews with company K, both B and I end up NOT getting an offer for a job over there. After a brief WTF period, we come to (a later confirmed) conclusion that company K hates to pay out real dough and they only took on people who make peanuts...I decide to fuck it all and go back to my own business. Very excited and meet with bigP who promises to mentor and help.
Then, after a big goodbye party this Monday, we all get emails that the lay offs were 'extended' and we are all still fired but must keep on reporting to work, though now on severance pay...indefinitely!!!! FML
I learn that the state has shut down my LLC for never filing taxes (FML #2) but not a major deal, as will just LLC a new one. Still though...
Before I learn that the layoff is fake, I made plans to bring back the dogs from the Rents to rejoin my life as a happy pack. Unfortunately, mentally ill Bella decides to torture me for leaving her as I went to my fake job; she pretended to choke for two nights straight, in between fits of screaming. I am like a zombie by Wednesday and rush home on an early bus (oh yes, another FML, back to the BUS) so that I can drive the dogs back to the Rents. I rush home from the bus, pack the dogs, drive over to the Rents, drive back home and pass out....
...only to discover, this morning, that somehow, somewhere along the sleep deprived, DNA-frying previous evening I have lost my wallet. FML #4 to 1444!!!! Because, having had interviews at the temp agency, as was the plan to supplement the new business, I had EVERYTHING in my wallet: every ID, SS card, health insurance, etc and fucking bus tickets for a week.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!
FUUUUUUUUUCK! This is kinda what I sounded like today, driving (illegally, of course, without license) from the bus company where there was no wallet.
That is, of course, until I remembered the fabric convertible roof, that is not soundproof and explained the horrified pedestrians outside deli, when I screamed my frustration at a red light. (one must cry and scream though...otherwise, that shit has nowhere to go and becomes cancer tumors if you squish it in).
I have possibility of new fabulous job...which i might not get, as cannot prove identity. Cannot get drivers license without SScard....cannot get SS card without license...cannot get new green card without both...I am shit outta luck my friends. I might as well move to mexico and just pay a few hundred bucks for a whole new identity...sure seems easier than this BS. Oh, did I mention that my foreign birth certificate is useless?
I spent good times at the cop shop filing a report. In the waiting area I met a craigslist victim who got her account cleaned out from responding to a fake job post! Poor dear. I had a pathetic moment at the cop shop and I cried, but deep inside I knew my tears were phony, trying to get sympathy from the nice bored Fancytown officers. After filing the report, I drink lots of vodka and smoke while talking to all the nice people in India who cancel my credit cards. FML! FML! FML!
I am only going to touch the face stress pimple situation with a feather...
I can't!
This has been DAYS of a million I CAN'Ts....
So, that's what I've been up to. It has been a less-than-stellar start to the new year!!!
But...not one cold, healthy as a horse, and still spending days laughing with B!
So, just letting you know I'm alive... But there will be no posts until I have something positive to report!
Meanwhile, I am trying to figure out what Karma offenses I have committed to deserve such piles of shit. The offenses that I can think of do not seem to fit the punishment.... so please, if I have done you, or someone you know, WRONG, please let me know!


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Location:Jersey hood

The Loooongest Week

Finally, finally this week is OVER and I am home in my messy apartment.

Let's review. Monday was probably the best day. By Tuesday, the constant tension from hovering on the Edge of the Unknown starts to make me nauseous and generally gross. However, the news was full of stories about another STORM coming, so there was hope that Wednsday would be a snow day. I had yet another commuter FAIL on Tuesday night, when realized too late that the electronic station sign was broken and stuck on same station, so I miss my stop and realize this as the train pulls away from the station after mine, so actually miss my stop by two stations. It takes an hour and 20 min to walk home in the dark, on the fucking un-shoveled snowy, icy sidewalks. I fall twice and pee in the church bushes once on this trip. Dammit. It goes without saying that I must make a stop at the wine shop on the way home. I cannot believe how fast the bottle is gone, but it's ok, bc there will be snow tomorrow.
Wake up on Wednesday morning and run to the window only to be crestfallen to see the pathetic cat piss amount of snow that will not stop any trains. Decide that cannot deal and take a personal day. I go online to investigate other job possibilities and work myself up into an anxiety attack and spend the day in a weird kind of stupor that's very unlike me. Suspect that might have depression. Shit. Around 6pm, I get a text from L2, wondering where the hell have I been and that he hopes I'm sunning my ass someplace with palm trees and little umbrellas in sugary drinks. I wish. Realize that with my car missing from the lot and my habit of using just the bedroom and not turning on lights, it looks like I'm taking a fab vay-kay. I text L2 back that I'm home and we make plans to go have drinks.
Over oysters and martinis at that bar (where else), we catch up and I get the next installment of miss Russia's shenanigans. That bitch is unhinged. L2 tells me about lame New Years spent at miss Russia's mom's house, where the dumb-dumb made a big mistake of letting L2 see her in the morning without her usual 2.5 hour beauty prep. L2 sed that he was like, OMG, I cannot believe that I put up with so much shit for THIS girl. I daintily shove an oyster with a dollop of horse radish in my mouth, suck on an olive and shake my head with sympathy listening to this mess. Then L2 drops an indecent proposal bomb on me, and asks me if I would accompany him on his next trip to a tropical location. He has come to the conclusion that I am more fun (duh). I agree right away, bc always have fun with L2. Once home, as I peel off my clothes and unsteadily get to bed, I wonder if the Russian mob will bust my knee caps upon my return.
As you can guess, Thursday morning was challenging, but felt better by the time I walked to the station in the deep chill. I tell my train friend L that I'm feeling fragile and need to sit alone today, and the train sets off to the city. Once at work, I finally get to see bigP and we have a little talk and he gives me some good advice. I follow it, and get a tiny moment of feeling better about things. It is V's last day, and after work we all head to Legends where we settle upstairs in the fake regency couches. All types of WRONG FOODS arrive, and i tell V that B sed she is a closet junkfood eater and V confirms its true. I keep V steadily supplied with wine, and soon our big group is buzzed and the conversation heads into TMI territory, very loud with lots of hysterical laughter. Highlights: everyone shares tales of the BIG men in our past, (we are practically having seizures, as B and I sing 5...5...5...dollar foot-long about her Atalanta lovah, and I bring up Ira the Giant Jew of 2nd avenue) then, naturally and organically, the convo proceeds to the topic of man-scaping. V, who has been married for 16 years, cannot believe how things have changed and that it's no longer just the gay men who are sporting hard wood floors instead of shag carpets! Good times! By this time, V2 brings his hotness to the bar, and is the only male in our big group. We badger him with indecent questions and that mofo is loving every minute. Eventually, I have to shlep back to the office, where workaholic MM is still buzzing around, bc she is giving me a ride home, being co-resident of Fancytown NJ. I must remember to thank MM profusely for putting up with my alcohol fumes and rambling (I'm sure).
Get home at midnight and oddly cannot sleep, and when I finally do fall asleep, I have completely insane dreams. In the dream, I get to live on the top floor of a fantastic brownstone in NYC, but there is a catch: I can only access the apartment by climbing the outside wall spider-man style and entering through a terrace in the back. This is especially cumbersome, as I have two Siamese cats who for some reason always cling to my shoulders using claws. In addition, there is a garden in the back with a large dog house in which I keep Larry David as a pet. Oddly enough, Larry has a ladder which he must climb to the terrace where I keep his food bowl, but he is not allowed to eat when I'm home. He doesn't obey this very well, and I keep having to run out to the terrace and push him back down. Later in the dream, I am on the train with my mother and we have a large wooden crate with us, which contains a mattress outfitted with a bed-in-the-bag. We are traveling to a port, where we will ship this thing as a gift for someone's wedding. We are having a horrible fight, bc I am screaming that we should just ship the bed-in-the-bag and it's not necessary to ship the entire mattress already dressed. Night falls on the train and I'm trying to find a place to sleep, but there is nowhere comfortable, so mom tells me that I should just get inside the crate and sleep on the nice mattress. We pry the lid open and I get in and get comfortable, only to realize that this is a HORRID TRICK on moms part, bc she produces nails and a hammer and starts nailing me in and I realize I will be part of the shipment!!!! I wake up tangled in the comforter and all the pillows on the floor and the cats looking at me disapprovingly from the safe distance on top of the dresser. Jesus!
This dream is about the impossibility of moving back to NYC and my struggle with mom's not so secret wish to see me shipped off to and boxed in some marriage. I think that the Siamese cats represent my addiction to sleek expensive fashion, which claws at my bank account. And Larry David probably represents a possible solution of enslaving a rich man as means of moving to NYC, but knowing he would then annoy me by trying to live with me. HA!
This morning, I could not believe there was another day to get through in this never ending week, but eventually, this too, did pass.
I am determined to have a cleansing (of apartment and self) weekend. A low sodium, alcohol free, time at the gym weekend. A nice, boring weekend. Bc Monday is a big day, but cannot say, as do not want to jinx.

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Location:Home

A Spendthrift Weekend

It is Sunday night and I am in a reflective mood, having spent an incredibly thrifty weekend. No money has been (frivolously) spent, because the Ladybug is held by dad in the luxury if the Rents' garage for observation. Dad is trying to figure out the reason for Ladybugs finicky ways. As such, I was delivered back to Fancytown by mom on Saturday morning, and after a stop at WholeFoods. No Ladybug=no going anywhere to spend money or worse. Once home, I saw All Good Things (excellent movie) and then tried to find my missing shows on other channels. (failed. Thanks, Oprah)
Today, was quite creative:
First, I made up a new vegan dish for lunch and LUV it!
A thai tomato & tempeh salad. Delish! The tempeh needs to be sautéed with any oil other than veg, bc the EVOO made the fire alarm go off. Here is the result, complete stuffiness under 500cKal:


The tempeh is from vegan section at WholeFoods.

Then, I made a nice fire in the living room and went through spring fashion mags for tomorrows meeting. I ended up spending all day here, and, inspired by some of the photography, I started messing around in the sketchbook, trying to come up with some compos for paintings. This was a warm-up from looking at some new Donna Karan ads:



Next, obsessed by all the mascara ads, I practiced some eyes and lips. I got so involved with the features that I ended up with a long horse face, lol!


And then, finally, eventually, she came to me. That's the one. This will be the next painting:



Not having the Ladybug around is great for my wallet...
I finished all my reading about Parrot Babies and have come to the conclusion that this is not the year for a fine feathered friend to enter my life :(
But now I know what I'd like to be when I grow up: a rich, eccentric painter (very skinny), running around the studio splashing paints with abandon while my parrot screams at me!

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Location:Jersey Hood

It is a Hard Day's Night

...but when I get home to you (Ladybug Car), I find the things that you do, DO NOT MAKE ME FEEL ALL RIGHT!!!!

This was a...challenging day (I am practicing not using profanity, as to not corrupt Parrot Baby one day).
Dinner at the Rents' with Honey Chile, the Twins and rest of family, has been rescheduled from Friday night to Thursday because of upcoming SNOWFLAKES! Pile of shit ('scuseme, stuff) to do at work makes it not the ideal day to leave early, but the emotional overload from being on the Edge of the Unknown does make an early getaway attractive. Therefore, I rush rush rush to make the 5:45pm train and it is HORRID. It's crowded like a a cowtruck heading to slaughterhouse, with mood on-board similar and the smell as bad, though of different variety (old umbrellas and stressed white people). I find a seat between two fatties and soon wish I were standing. This is the view:

The woman next to me is squashing me with thighs that she cannot keep together on account of their bulk, and she busies herself with frantic blackberry pounding between fits of DISGUSTING PRODUCTIVE COUGH!!! It is then that I realize the in my haste I have forgotten the headphones at work and now will have listen to that all the way home. The headphones are my anchor to sanity in these situations. I think that I can actually feel my DNA fraying with age and disease from the commute!
I eventually get home, feed the cats, and rush out to leave and discover that the Ladybug is dead to the world!
I do not even get a dim headlight :( I call mom to inform her of the situation and she is very sad for me, but still cannot help herself from mentioning how a husband would be a godsend in such a situation! Mom lives in a rosy delusional world, where she thinks every husband is like her husband. Not so, I'm afraid...every man I ever let in my life made things worse for me in the long run, and I was the one always assembling furniture and fixing shit (sorry stuff) and the other men in the 'hood who tried to help me with the car in the past and FAILED are in fact other women's husbands. Anyway. Feeling really dejected and already emotionally frail, I am really really close to crying but remember dad's advise that life will always throw you something REAL to cry about and make you feel stupid for crying about stupid crap. So I bravely head out to the deli to buy cat food and while there I decide that since everything sucks, I should be like other girls around the world and do the ice cream thing, so I buy a small tub. Oh God: who have i become? I think as I am paying for cat food and ice cream on a Thursday night...LOSER!!!! Entering the house from the front, I discover a package from Amazon and spirits are lifted considerably. At home, I get into pajamas, and settle into bed with book, ice cream and cats. HA! So this is how the other half lives! Cannot get over the deliciousness of ice cream, not having had any in years! I pass out into sweet sugar coma, only to wake at 4am and pass the rest of the night sick from ice cream!
Good. At least won't get fat from it, lol!

On the Edge of the Unknown

Oh yeah, it's back to normal, all right!
The back to normal, nobody knows if they have a job tomorrow or not shit!
Dammit!
From the beginning:
Day starts out rosy and with good intentions, I would even venture so far as to say with a yoga worthy intent, that intent being to pick trend stories and colors for Spring 2012. Just look at this efficient, getting shit done, work-mode:



I stray only a few times, mainly to make a car payment and to research the Parrot Baby. In other words, exemplary productivity. Peaceful...in other words, every kind of WRONG!

In the afternoon, V calls to come upstairs and talk. V reveals several TMI stories and I feel the need to reciprocate with some of my own. Then V reveals that she has resigned and I cannot even pretend that I am in a shock and I'm happy for V. Then V gives me all sorts of info re Company K, none of it too comforting, and I almost kill myself on the way downstairs and drag B to my office and shut the door and pant: 'sit down' and then I unload myself by barfing all that info into her ear and she has a bomb of her own, about D2 wasting company $$ on a shopping trip in Japan with her Japanese pet from sleepwear, rather than home with sick relative!!!
All this is a lot to bear and we escape to Legends to drown our uncertainty and job stress in booze and WRONG FOODS! The lovely idea to not drink all week is now bulldozed on Wednesday(nice) and barely holding onto the no smoking thing (dying for one!)
D4 is unable to join us but she sends a text that sends me and B under the bar in hysterical laughter. Text from D4 says:
Guess who has been doing 6pack abs exercise program at her desk instead of working?
We figure is tech director S, who runs that team like KGB or similar, taking attendance and shit and 'writing people up', whatever that means! Still, we send a frantic reply:
WHO???
The answer, when it comes, is not as confirming as it might seem:
Well, her initials are SS
That sounds right, however, there are other people on the tech team with same initials. We text back and forth to confirm, all the while getting more intoxicated while demonstrating what techDD S might look like doing the elbow to knee move (a classic at your desk ab move) at desk at work. You had to be there...Eventually we are forced to share the story with bartender, who was probably wondering if we were patients out on a day pass from Bellevue.
Then D4 texts that the techDD S has hidden the manual for the abdominal workout in one of the factory safety procedure binders, in order to consult all day while appearing to be hard at work. B and I demand the 411 on the binder, so that we can sneak in and replace the abdominal workout manual with something else- we are torn between the dessert menu from Fridays or the 'how to go down on a man like a gay man' manual. Hmm.

And so goes on the professional life...

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Location:On train

Back to Normal

Happy New Year, Darlings!

I am back at work after my 12 days of Christmas (how Tudor like of me!)
I have not written much because nothing noteworthy has happened.
Still, I can confirm that there is no vacation like a stay-cation and just being with THE PETS! The dogs loved the snow in the park:



But being at work is the best! And there is lots to do again and I have to immerse myself in spring 2012 color and trend! Getting many compliments on today's style gamble, rocking the neon pink Betsey Johnson tights.
Other than the title of this blog, I have several other New Years resolutions, but they are SECRET. Which, according to dr. Phil, makes them doomed to fail, because I am not accountable. This I learned last night on the OWN channel. Oprah Winfrey has highjacked my favorite channel. Discovery Health channel, my main source of entertainment with gems like Dr.G, Medical Examiner and Trauma-Life in the ER and Untold Stories of the ER is now OWN (Oprah Winfrey Network all about Oprah). If anyone knows where the Discovery Health channel went, please let me know. I cannot fall asleep without my gore.


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Location:NYC

Is You Is or Is You Ain't My Baby

I am in loooove! Like in Lady Gaga I want your Luv...luv luv luv!
I spent the afternoon at Fancy Feathers where I went to discuss the possibility of finally owning my dream parrot! And the lovely Proprietor D (all peeps in my life have a name starting with D!) allowed me to spend an hour with a baby that's already sold to someone else...what a sweetheart!
She's getting new babies in mid January, and I just might be putting down a deposit! I need name suggestions! I am leaning towards Earl Grey if it's a boy...

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Location:Jersey Hood

Sketchbook Doodles

This morning, I was introduced to the joys of digging out the Ladybug from under a mountain of snow. Holy Shit! Next time it snows, I am parking that thing in the garage next door, and hope it snows on Sunday, so it's only $1 overnight. Since nothing other than unwanted exercise happened lately, I am posting some recent sketchbook doodles.




This chick was at a Starbucks and I was struck by her eyelash extension job, and even tho this was probably done for Xmas and half of them already fell out it was still super sexy. There was one of those paintings behind her, the starbucks standard about their fair-trade practices, usually showing some jungle. I found myself wishing that the leaves really grew out of her head, rather than hair.




This is a practice sketch for a fantasy-fashion painting I've been wanting to do, exploring the relationship between red and violet. I am not getting her eye makeup right and still unsure about background.

This last one, I am pretty sure was a sleepwalking one. Because a) it was in the middle of the book b) I have no memory of doing it c)I hate her newscaster hairstyle d)I would never do the leopard dot detail on the dress while awake. But I can tell by the face it's one of my girls. Go figure.



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Location:Jersey Hood

The STORM!

We have our official first storm darlings!

After safely getting home from bizarre in movie dining experience (see below), nfM and I hang our for awhile, during which nfM tells me family drama stories and discuss her upcoming plans. Very impressive, nfM with her jet setting, all over the world spa career plans, on top of which girlfriend plays the didgeridoo! Eventually, she braves the storm outside and I get a text from L2, inviting me upstairs to drink, bragging that he got prepared for the STORM with much booze! Yey! I make a tray of goodies and head upstairs to L2's apartment where we drink a ton of vodka, smoke weed and have riveting conversations. L2 demonstrates music equipment (the room I use for FASHION, L2 uses for music hobby, and I see how jersey seduces everyone with SPACE, tho in unique ways). I tell L2 about how stores charge my company whenever stuff is on sale and other nuances of pajama business. L2 tells me about the various ways his flawless Russian piece is missing the certain...something. It's character and class, I enlighten him, after seeing a picture of that piece which he tells me looks like me. I correct him that the piece in that picture wishes she looked like me. Then, we watch some dumb ass movie, and someone in that movie drives a ferrari or similar, and L2 says longingly :'cmon, you know if I had that car I could get anything I want!'
My weed-fueled brain dispenses this cracked pearl of wisdom in response:
'if that's the case, you never wanted a lot, L2'
This causes a stoner pause and lull. Eventually, I take my leave. Upon returning home, I look outside and marvel at seriousness of the STORM, and need to clean up the snow in the dining room that has gotten inside through that window I cannot close! I experience a moment of deep gratitude for having a home, shelter and heat on such a night, being forever warped by the horrid Hans Anderson Little Matchbook Girl story that I sincerely hope has been banned since own childhood. Own self had awful nights in childhood, imagining the vile drafty attic home, a slow freezing death and the ghost of dead grandma! Although, I did always like that no pets were harmed in that story. On that note, I am grabbing the cats and the dogs and we are going to sleep under many blankets!


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Cinematic suburban Disturbia

Holy Shit!
This was going to be a not blog-worthy, just going to the movies the day after Xmas kind of deal. But NO!

So my nfM (new friend M who will get a number if ends up being a regular friend) so nfM and I make plans to see Little Fockers. Forewarned by newscasts and the Rents, I am aware of upcoming SNOW and how my impractical car (copyright:mom) can never ever ever be out in the SNOW.
So nfM and I make plans to see the super early show at a certain suburban hub that also houses a Macy's store and a Petco. Off we go and arrive at the familiar movie theater to find it not familiar at all! No normal box office and wonderful popcorn smell. We arrive to see THiS:





A cheesy, Las Vegas style BOOZE lounge (???!!!WTF???)
As we buy the tix, we are informed that this is now a full on dine-in, movie experience theater and are we willing to pay $17.50 per ticket of which $7.50 is our food credit....nfM and I are speechless, mentally reeling from this curve thrown at us so unexpectedly!!! ...er...er..say we and ask if this extra fee is for our popcorn and all. NO, this is for our in-movie dining experience. We are presented with a screen representing the theater and asked to click on our dining seats, where we must sit, like it's the fucking Cirque de Soleil or some such, instead of just a generic ass movie that we came to see. ok ok, we buy the tickets and proceed inside, noting the bizarre new carpeting that makes us feel like we are on a cruise ship (nfM confirms this, glamourized by actually having worked in spa settings on fancy ass cruise ships and spending months 'at sea'...love expression 'at sea').
We get inside what used to be the normal theater #2 but now looks like this:











Sorry for poor quality, these are taken with iPhone, but just note: this again is a vegas set up, with everyone having low lit tables and having to choose from the menu...yes, while the movie has started and then, throughout the movie!!!!
The menu consists of triple bypass specials that no one would ever order!











Our waitress comes and takes our order. It takes us an inordinate amount of time, on account of poor lighting and, more significantly, the fact that this is Jersey, and when one comes to see the movie, it is to see the movie, and to reprogram the suburban brain to now have to incorporate the 'in the diner' think track takes a major shift...The movie starts, and is funny and we try to enjoy it, but the movie waiters keep dashing back and forth with trays and repeatedly bring us other peoples orders and argue with us while blocking the movie and talking. If they are not talking to us, we still cannot hear the movie because the party in front, next to or in front of us is doing food orders or changes. Cannot believe, that during one of the funniest parts of the movie, I have the bulk of a 300lbs person with tiny tray in front of me and I am hissing 'No! No! I DID NOT order green tea!!! Latteeee...what? Latte! Yes, hot!' while twisting around to see the the screen! Anyone ready to make changes or additions to their food order can press the red button, like so:






It summons your server and GLOWS, which we can imagine makes the movie experience even better! OMG...this whole thing was just a trip to Disturbia, and it is a credit to Little Fockers that I can still recommend it, since feel that I missed half of it. Avoid the full dining movie experience!!!
I mean, seriously, WHY???? Did someone figure out that the TGIfridays across the street makes bank off after the movies crowd, so let's stuff them during the movie? If you look at the menu, it's not part of any 'making America slim effort'. Giving it a great big thumbs down DON'T!!!

Location:Jersey Hood

Holiday Commuter Shame

In full commuter shame mode at Penn Station.

First, let's note sadly the level of drunkenness proportional to the hour: before 9 pm. Yep, drunk and waiting for train before 9 pm. Let us note that it is one of few times in life that actually feel real, cheek burning shame. A decent New Yorker would possibly now be waking up from a nap and just getting ready to go out. The pathetic commuter is heading home. However, even the losers had a nice night out.

From the beginning: leave work with a herd of co-workers heading for Legends, where, despite our long patronage, we are turned away in favor of some undisclosed party who rented the place for the whole damn night! We turn away in a collective huff, and head over to Rattle and Hum a block away where we are not regulars and thus forced to endure all manner of humiliation :( even that hot bitch D6 gets insulted at the bar at one point! Unbelievable! B and I go out to smoke and outside we meet D1 who just got there. D1 looks beyond sexy, all slim and just damn hot! B leans over to say how hot D1 looks, as if I'm blind! As the three of us are smoking, some dudes walk inside the bar, and I think I know one of them and realize is own broM1 with co workers! Holy shit, actually running into flesh&blood family in NYC bar, though should not be shocking, considering broM1 works on same block, but jarring because broM1 is confirmed Jersey lover, supposedly coming into the city in money-making ghost mode only, just to make bank for dream jersey life. BroM1 behaves civilly toward my coworkers, so good enough. Inside, spend some time catching up with D1 and just being with co workers and feel really really happy (and drunk) and think that everyone looks incredibly gorgeous! Increasingly creepy so&so from work manages to steal the beauty and make it all creepy by taking photos incessantly.
At one point, B and I go out to smoke and a HYBT (hotnyoungblackthing) passes us and continues to turn around. So B and I play a fun game where she's my pimp. She gets the HYBT to come back and she asks what he wants to pay for me...sweet chile looks confused and B gets all tough and goes, c'mon, whazzup, she charges by the hour! HYBT is completely pushed off his game, the CBZ in his ear loosing all sparkle! He finally stutters: ah-ahhh, I'm outta here, leaving me and B in hysterical laughter, singing that Hustle and Flow mess rap song about ' having two black honeys and a snow bunny too'! Lolz.
Back inside, I down a few more and then everyone leaves. I make the 8:37 train and completely sober up on the arctic walk home.
Once home, I call B and we talk excitedly about R inviting us to her wedding in India this summer. If girlfriend invited us in her drunkenness, too bad, bc B and I are going!



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Location:Penn Station

Party Peeps

Huuuurah! Today is the last day at work until January 2nd 2011. See you biatches next year, har har! (so sick of that damn joke)

Company, strapped for cash, is giving us a holiday 'luncheon' today, in lieu of a real party with booze...pathetic, but hey, free food is free food!
All the peeps at work in party mood, and after the luncheon we are all gonna sneak out asap and converge at Legends where we will get some cheer on with sweet nectar of life, aka vodka! Cannot wait to leave for today and cannot concentrate because the place is loud with gossip, that giggling (I'm looking at you, D3), nose blowing and a general loose ship atmosphere of pre-holiday I don't give a fuck-ness.

Yesterday B and I gave the chickens their gift of cash and treated them to holiday lunch at a sushi place, disturbing my diet :(

Very excited to meet party peeps later and get drunk not by myself for once (side effect of living in jersey). Also, D1, my favorite, is going to meet me and get his drink on! Miss D1! Cannot wait to tell him the story about homewreckerD's dumb ass trick she pulled on Monday night, that challenged everything I learned in anger management!

Tomorrow, I will have a lovely lovely day of polishing apartment and self, and then will pick up Honey Chile D from station so we can travel to Christmas at the Rents together. I must brace myself and summon up iron will, and remember that D will make me smoke tons of weed and then ruin all my hard work by running out and getting all wrong foods to feed the munchies! I swear, every time...
I will have to think of something to keep me anchored. Perhaps will take a photo with my phone of my bare gut in the sitting position, print it out 80 times and wallpaper the hallway...or something along those lines!


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It's beginning to look a lot like...

....a bloody mess! Just look at my pristine dining room after the first round of wrapping gifts! Dammit! But round 1 is packed and will need to be driven to Rents house tomorrow, on account of the limited space of that impractical car (copyright: mom)
After that's done, I take my sweet sweet babies for a nature hike on the preserve, which is on top of a huge hill, where one can enjoy the view of manhattan, and not enjoy the 9-11 memorial...sads. We jump out of the ladybug and walk on the winter trails, which are desolate and there is no one else out in the woods, and I miss Central Park. I exhaust the babies, on the trails and then playing fetch. The sun grows fader and we drive home. Sitting at a red light, I notice commotion in the van next to me, and look over to see a woman twisted around screaming at fighting kids in the back seat. Gross, I see that the little boy is smearing some food item on the window. I look at the dogs curled up quietly in my passenger seat and say a silent prayer of thanks...there but for the grace of god go I...
At home, I decide to go to the gym. Put on a very jerseylicious gym outfit from Ph8. Hoping to see my gym friend C, I take one of my Borghese mini sets of goodies and wrap it up. Girlfriend is as much of a spa freak as I am and she'll love it. The gym is full of male beauty, starting with the two hot young black guys at the front desk. Mmm. Did not mean to actually have a vigorous workout, but am amazed by how awesome the playlist I made for the little pink shuffle is. I get really into it on the elliptical trainer, listening to a potent mix of superfly, 70's disco funk, ice cube, dr. Dre and Eminem. I amuse myself by looking around and mentally building a perfect boy out of parts and pieces of various men around me. Hmmm...I'll take his shoulders, and this one's legs and this face over here. Fun! I remember that I have two options of actual human contact for tonight (special visitor or drinks with L2) but I can feel my addiction to 'me time' demolishing these earlier plans. I note sadly that Angry Boy is not present at the gym tonight. Too bad, because I wanted to see Angry Boy again not only to feast my eyes, but to try out my gaydar on him. Gaydar has been a complete failure on Angry Boy and I am mystified...Angry Boy, thus mentally named by me on account of his perpetual sexy sulky look, is so hot that is most likely gay, but does not give out the gay vibe with makes my gaydar go beep beep... I put in 20 minutes of vigorous weights and head to the sauna, where I spend 2 and half hours of hard core grooming that would make a million Siamese cats pull out their whiskers in shame! One look at body hair situation confirms that Special Visitor is out of the question tonight. An hour into the sauna I hear C's voice outside and I come out and give her her present. She is so thrilled, and it makes me really really happy, because I just love giving people stuff that they like. Back in the sauna I decide that tonight is def just for me. I actually run into L2 on the way home and realize that he clearly has no memory of inviting me out tonight, as he apparently sent those texts during a drunkie holiday party...or he is miffed at me not saying a definite yes. Either way, we comment on someone's gross cooking smell in the hallway and we both escape to our apartments. I order a special dinner with an ulterior motive of seeing someone I fancy who works there. When I go to pick up the food, my mark is there and I ask him if he is all set for the holidays...yes, he says. All done wrapping gifts? I ask, tossing the hair. Oh, no, my wife does all that! ...great! I try not to look like I'm sucking on a lemon. But I am not homewreckerD, I do not dip into other peoples honey pots.
Food was delicious, esp being first real meal of the week. I am off to my intellectual pursuits and leave you with this picture of Bella ready to go, the minute a bag is on the floor.





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Bag Ladies

Friday nite, as work wraps up, I gather gather all the loot from this weeks SAMPLE SAAAAALES (there was also a Bagdley Mishka sale that I did not attend and deserve a medal for self restraint) and pack in up into a Cosco shopping bag with I had the foresight to bring to work. This bag is something that the Dugger family probably actually use to shop for groceries. Its capacity is larger than the trunk of my car! My shopper tote doubling as my purse is also filled to the limit. Add the bulk of the coat and I am a tank ready to brave the busy sidewalks, busy sidewalks dressed in holiday style! Allow myself extra time to navigate the walk of commuter shame to Penn Station. D3 is similarly saddled and we set off like two camels...or homeless bag ladies, more like.
The sidewalk is crowded with similar holiday victims and we trudge forward, our bags getting snagged on others' bags walking in opposite direction. The tourists, with their usual lack of consideration, continue doing their thing, walking together, slowly, and stopping unexplainably. Sheesh! D3 and I repeatedly have to maneuver around them, throwing hate daggers with eyes. At one point, I am slammed into the mailbox, having underestimated a matronly bag lady going in the opposite direction. D3 waits patiently for me to readjust and we keep on. Through all of this, D3 who is a real talker, entertains me with stories. We part ways at her Path entrance and I continue on. Having extra 5 minutes I stop at the wig store and buy a few beauty needs. Penn Station is teeming with desperate get me the fuuuuck home crowds and I am swept up in the swarm and carried onto my train where I collapse into an empty seat and pile my bags next to me in an unfriendly, unchristian, un-holiday, don't even think about sitting here message. I whip out the iPad and watch the Tudors. Somewhere in Seacaucus I realize that I timed the last cup of tea badly, and have a bladder situation. Ugh! I HATE commuting. Horrible horrible walk home from the station, trying to banish the shameful childhood memory of walking home in snow pants in deep snow, having to pee desperately, passing a playground that only had bare winter bushes and finally sitting on a swing, letting the hot pee go in my pants while the hot tears of shame rolled down my cold cheeks. Determined not to repeat the experience, I make it home where the cats solemnly watch my relief.
Off to rents house, where we have a family night watching the final season of Curb. Lolz. Sweet sleep in upstairs bedroom with doggies.


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Sample Sale Inferno

Home. Completely exhausted (physically, emotionally and financially) from the slew of sample sales! Being 'in the business', I am hooked up with the 411 re these events, and proud to say, a pro. Sneak out of work at 9:55 sharp to get in early to the Borghese sale. In the holiday spirit, I share the info with D2, who doesn't believe me it's cash only. When we get there, there is already a line to get in, and after confirming the cash only policy, D2 acts surprised that there is no ATM on premises...considering that the event is at the company's offices, this is bizarre. I shake my head and go in, while D2 needs to go out for cash. Myself, I am ready for battle with cash and shopping bags. The place is a mayhem of fabulous cosmetic gift sets and goodies, the size of a kitchen of an average American home, with crap piled to the ceiling and 40 women at a time, all sweating in winter clothes, all with the same crazed look of the hunt! We are getting our shit and no one is stopping us!!! I push and elbow my way around and at some point look up, hat askew, to see D2 back with cash now stuck on the huge line outside...tsk, tsk. That's an amateur for you! Well, girlfriend will live and learn. I grab a shit load of stuff, trying to mentally allocate what's gifts and what's for ME!
I see many broads I know, and we all know this is no time for small talk, so we smile and keep on! Very female bonding, in a way.
As I'm already paying, D2 finally is admitted inside and I again am generous and give her one of my container store bags, although running a risk of my own stuff ripping from my now no longer double bag! Very unlike me, must be the hunger...anyway, I rush back to the office, where more company time is wasted showing my loot to the chickens, and D4 and S2 run out in a frenzy to get own stuff! Sample sale, sample sale, aaaaaahhhh! Later in the day, one of the chickens gets a cashmere scarf hook up from a friend and I get one and tell her to get more...MORE! I know of the Nautica sample sale but decide it's no place for bombshells and exercise extreme restraint by not attending, reminding myself that need funds to ESCAPE NEW JERSEY. As it is, my bank account balance is curled up in fetal position sobbing in the shower...oh well. I make a solemn promise to self, that after NYE, I will spend a long, Spartan winter holed up in apartment not spending any money, certainly not on food...
Good nite darlings...honey bee is going to go through the loot now.


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Starvation Mode-Shmode!

Today was a great day: felt huge love for Job, doing beautiful art in Photoshop all day, just feeling very grateful. Also ate just 1 grapefruit all day. Excellent! A bit worried about no one from company K calling (yet), but not in panic mode.

Midday, S2 stops by my desk to chat. S2 always makes my shallow heart smile, bc she is the kind of sexy bitch I can roll with and smart, too (always agrees with me).
A thought-provoking deep conversation occurred between me and S2:
We get on the topic of the Only Diet that Works for Us (not eating.period). We bond about what bullshit exercise is, causing uncontrollable hunger and huge legs. Though, ok, probably good for heart. Then, she brings up that dubious concept of 'body going into starvation mode and actually getting fatter'. I give her a side eye and share one of my thoughts from the Dark Side.
"S2," I say in a teacherly manner. "there is no such thing. It's a lie that fat people made up to make everyone else get fat." I let that unorthodox bomb sink in and wait for reaction. She narrows pretty eyes and shakes the red mane...yes.
"think about it!" I carry on with excitement. "Have you ever seen coverage of famine on tv, and the reporter will show a bunch of fatties and say, ...and as you can see these poor people
here went into the STARVATION MODE and now are unable to lose any weight! This is a horrible famine."
"OMG" S2 says. "Ive thought that in the past". Like I sed, girlfriend is v.smart.
I think about all similar situations: like why did they drill a tiny tunnel to send the Chilean miners food in tiny tubes??? Why not just tell them, hey dudes, don't worry. You will go into starvation mode any day, so just chill. You see? Starvation mode-shmode!
Feel super motivated!
After work I go to the sauna and and have myself a good shvitz for an hour. Life is pretty good: single, loving job, almost thin with all the time in the world for doing exactly what I feel like.
If it was taking place in NYC it would be perfect...

Garden State

We start today with an uplifting photo (see below). This was the view from the window on train into the city this morning and this is the kind of image of New Jersey that makes one slap oneself and say 'of course! this is why they call this place the Garden State'. A manifesto of lush, rambling nature, virgin soil, sweet scent and frolicking bunnies!

Weekend update:

Friday: Hungover and over it after Thursday nite dinner with D2 and J and interview with Company K, I decide to take a fake sick day and get started on Xmas shopping. I sleep late, take a bubble bath, get all dolled up and finally ready to leave by noon, i run around the apartment collecting wallet, sunglasses, house keys, car keys...car keys. I stare blankly at the little hook in the hallway that is WITHOUT car keys. Run to the kitchen to check the table...check every purse and coat. No keys. One of the most wonderful things about being single and childfree is that one has an orderly apartment with things that are usually found where one left them. I fling off the coat because by now I am pouring sweat and sit quietly sucking on a cigarette trying to retrace steps. That's when i recall that the last time I drove the car was during the Trunk of Crime ride home. I recall with a sinking heart the mad dash home clutching the bottle and 80 other things, having to pee etc. Come to the sinking conclusion that keys are either a)locked in the trunk or b)fell to the ground.

I put the coat back on & go searching, looking like a mental patient on all fours in the parking lot. No keys. Spend the next 2 hours searching odd places all over the house. Dread telling the Rents about lost keys; I can almost see the giant cartoony I TOLD YOU SO's around their heads, b/c i never made key copy as advised. Eventually give up. As far as i am concerned this is another FAIL as far as my mad suburban living skillz go. File this together with draining car battery twice by leaving blinkers on and entering the grocery store parking lots where it says EXIT. I call the locksmith and calmly make an appointment for next day, noting that the amount is the ENTIRE CHRISTMAS BUDGET!!! Calm calm...

I go to my Bed, climb in, make a nest of pillows, cats and fake fur blankets and decide to stay there for the rest of the day and night. V calls after 5 and inquires about my health. I fess up to fake illness and tell the car key story and she laughs. But the reason for her call is...Company K owner and #2 want to interview me early next week. Am to keep mum. Mood lifts considerably, as I hang up smugly. There might be means, after all, to escape New Jersey. Woooo-Hooooo!

Saturday: Wake up physically ridiculously rested, having gone to bed around 8 the night before and waking up around 10. Somewhat mentally exhausted from dreams about the keys. Note a pathetic text from fbP: 'did you forget about me?' HA! I see you didn't forget about me. Very good. I don't reply. I realize that I have nothing to do until the locksmith gets me into the ladybug. I make delicious tea and go back to bed and watch movies. I do not give in to the temptation to eat. Around 1PM, I stroll to the kitchen for a grapefruit, when notice a stranger puttering around on my balcony. I open the kitchen doo to bark and unfriendly 'can I help you?' and GUESS WHAT??? it's neighborJ holding my keys! Found on the lawn! Yes! Yes! I race to the mall, where I wait 45 minutes to park, get in a fight over a parking space and go on a Christmas shopping spree. I end up with 1 gift and tons of stuff for ME! (as usual) A diet slip occurred in the food court, I'm sad to say. Drive home in a delicious mood regardless, and spend a fun evening trying on and putting away new clothes and jewelry, smoking and trashing everyone on the phone with B. Then the Rents come and drop off the dogs to spend an active Sunday with me.

Sunday: Wake up to a sad rainy day. Take the whining dogs out anyway to PROVE to them it's raining out. They didn't believe me when I said it again and again. Decide to drive them back to the Rents house early, so I could get back early and take an online class and go see the Black Swan. Route 80 like driving through the Ballagio fountains in Vegas. Thrilling danger! I even turned down Ice Cube at one point in order to FOCUS! At one point, I was even doing my mom's Drowning the Baby driving style, which is when you line up your chin with the wheel, which you clutch fiercely while pushing down and and staring into space ahead. At the Rents house, I get my next chapter in the Remodeling the Upstairs Bathroom Saga (this time there were visual aids, in the form of tile samples). Then, even more fun: I get to learn how to fillet and pare down Christmas herring. I do love slicing guts and anything really gross, so I didn't really mind, other than my hands smelling like rank pootang for the rest of the day. Finally, i split, this time remembering to take the jewelry chest. Black Swan was sublime and fabulous, just the kind of dark psycho shit I love. Sweet.

Monday: So here we are. Thrilled to see my friend M3 on the train this morning. We catch up and I tell him about my struggle to fit into the Versace dress and my annoying date with Dr. FeelNotGood

He basically agrees that the dr. is one big douche. He expresses his concern about me not meeting my nutritional requirements (sweet boy) and i tell him that the only thing i need to meet in the next few weeks is my image in the mirror with that fucking dress DRAPING OF ME rather than encasing me like a bratwurst sausage! it was M3 who pointed out the pretty landscape we were passing and we had a laugh about how any minute we would see the mutants coming out of the swamp, or the makeshift cars from Mad Max attacking the train. Mullets everywhere! you had to be there. But since you were not, I leave you with the pretty picture.

Ch-ch-ch-chaaange...

At home...
It is confirmed: Fabulous Job definitely in jeopardy...
Division of my company is being sold to another big company. Company K is something I would love to be a part of, but not certain they will bring me on. Ugh. B and I frantically gathering gossip. BigP promises will recommend me. B says cannot work without me. Love B for that. B and I are like siamese twins: maybe freakish to look at, but cannot be separated without creative blood shed.
Today, I Attended the trend seminar and lo and behold, I win first prize in raffle: color direction book worth over 1k. Meaning colors for spring 2012 will be cake. I rock.
Score at a sample sale later. Mood goes up another notch. Finally get to work. B and I meet with Chickens to go over Holiday market. I volunteer for annoying projects to position myself to be part of division and get taken to company K. Then B tells a stressful rumor: none of us might be going to company K...maybe they just bought the label, and their own design team will absorb the work. Shudder.
I somehow miss the 6:18 train and have to wait for 6:40. After getting home and feeding cats, I jump in the ladybug and drive to parents house. Just to give them the forgotten leash, tamari sauce, flameless candles and lamp for broM2. And bc ladybug needs to be driven...mom shows me the current stage of Upstairs Bathroom project from Hell. I make sympathetic noises and ask why is everyone not using the other bathroom. Mystified about the answer that everyone's stuff is there. I know better than to ask why stuff cannot make the journey one flight of stairs to the other bathroom. Mom just says that broM2 might kill himself stumbling to downstairs bathroom middle of the night. Ok, then.
Mom hooks me up with a bottle of cranberry vodka. The bottle was open, so Dad and I put it in the trunk, as open bottle illegal in car. I just then remember that D put my glass weed pipe somewhere in the trunk, after anniversary party in September. Paranoid ride home, imagining being pulled over and the trunk of crime being discovered by EJC (evil jersey cop).
Sure enough, one follows me for 4 miles on route 80. Sweating in fake fur, but EJC finally gives up, discouraged by my stately 60mph steady middle lane driving. Ladybug is a cop magnet!
Tomorrow going on audition to become a voice over talent. Don't laugh: I must secure other sources of income. Wish me to break a leg!